🚨 Cavy Operative Warning Signs 🚨
If your guinea pig exhibits one or more of the following behaviors, they may be a Cavy Operative.
🔺 Tier 1 Indicators - Confirmed Operative Behaviors
Midnight Wheaking
Sudden vocalizations during nighttime hours may indicate encrypted communication.
Unprovoked Popcorning
Rapid vertical movements may serve as celebratory or signal-based activity.
Excessive Hay Hoarding
Stockpiling large quantities of hay may suggest siege preparation.
Post-Sanitation Operative Output (P.S.O.O.)
Immediate pellet deployment after cage cleaning may be a form of territorial assertion or coded resistance.
Prolonged Eye Contact
Sustained staring may signal active behavioral mapping.
Strategic Pellet Placement (Poop Grid)
Pellet positioning in geometric or repeat patterns may indicate covert communication.
⚠️ Tier 2 Indicators - Suspicious Activity Under Review
Sudden Freezing When Observed
May be attempting to appear non-threatening during surveillance.
Silent Nibbling While Watching You
Indicates confidence and data gathering during passive operations.
Repeated Escape Attempts
Patterned breakouts may signal exfiltration rehearsal.
Tunnel Construction or Digging
Signs of unauthorized subterranean access or military excavation.
Unexplained Relocation of Enrichment Items
May indicate base-building or cache management.
🐹 Tier 3 Indicators - Possibly Innocent, But Trackable
- Licking human fingers without food
- Purring during grooming
- Ignoring fresh veggies once dropped
- Spontaneous zoomies followed by freeze frame
- Staring at cats (with no fear)
🧠 What To Do
If you recognize 2 or more signs from Tier 1, or 1 from Tier 1 and 2 from Tier 2:
📋 Current Threat Assessment
Intelligence reports indicate a coordinated campaign by domestic guinea pig populations to infiltrate American households. These seemingly innocent creatures employ sophisticated psychological warfare techniques that have been systematically documented by our field operatives.
Do not underestimate these creatures. Their cuteness is a calculated deception designed to lower human defenses and establish operational control over household resources.
🛡️ Protection Protocols
The Department has developed comprehensive countermeasures to protect law-abiding citizens from cavy infiltration:
🔒 Recommended Security Measures:
- Install secure containment units (cages) with reinforced bars
- Monitor all wheaking communications for coded messages
- Ensure a steady supply of fresh vegetables and premium hay to avoid arousing operative suspicion
- Conduct regular tunnel sweeps of living areas
- Report any organized popcorning events immediately
Remember: A vigilant citizen is a protected citizen. The Department of Cavy Control works tirelessly to ensure your safety.
🚨 Most Wanted Fugitives 🚨
A caramel and white guinea pig wearing a black tactical vest, last seen in a blue star-patterned hat. Frequently seen in the company of a white llama.
Species: Abyssinian Guinea Pig
Color: Brown and white, with distinctive cowlick patterns typical of the breed
Weight: 2.5 lbs
Last Seen: Southern California theme park, outfitted in tactical gear and a starry blue hat
M.O.: Travels with a white llama and engages in coordinated operations
Warnings: Extremely dangerous. Known to deploy weaponized cuteness and execute evasive maneuvers via tactical popcorning
A golden-brown guinea pig wearing a black bucket hat, sunglasses, and a suspicious smirk. Carries a USB stick labeled 'DJ Squeakz'.
Species: American Guinea Pig
Color: Short-haired, smooth golden-brown coat
Weight: 2.2 lbs (all attitude)
Last Seen: Fleeing a stolen school bus repurposed as a mobile rave near US Border Animal Control
M.O.: Sneaks into parties, taunts dogs, DJs underground raves in abandoned vehicles, and streams video games under multiple aliases
Warnings: Master of emotional manipulation, tunnel escapes, and beat drops. Suspected of organizing interspecies block parties.
🚨 REWARD OFFERED 🚨
$50,000 REWARD for information leading to the capture of either fugitive
These individuals are considered extremely dangerous and should NOT be approached by civilians
🔍 Signs Your Cavy May Have Participated in a Known Incursion
Certain physical items or unexplained behaviors may indicate unauthorized incursion participation by a domestic cavy. The following artifacts have been recovered from multiple zones of concern.
🧳 Physical Evidence Recovered from Suspected Sites:
Miniature Fast Food Containers
Frequently hoarded in corners or buried under bedding.
Coffee Shop Stirring Rods / Lid Rings
Sticky residue possible. Often chewed or rearranged into odd formations.
Chewed Furniture Manual Fragments
Especially near enclosures with frequent furniture shift activity.
Plastic Building Block Debris
Suggests foreign construction knowledge or access to toy retail sites.
Pet Store Product Tags / Coupon Scraps
Cross-species interaction risk: HIGH.
Mouse Ears Headband (Miniature / Torn)
Traces of glitter and felt. Origin: unconfirmed amusement site.
Unopened Jar of Vegemite
Frequently hidden. Paws may show dark paste smudges.
Toy Soccer Balls (Smaller Than 2cm)
May appear in bedding or staged as if part of tactical drills.
Photo Printouts of Famous Athlete
Often displayed prominently and proudly. Use unexplained. Believed symbolic.
⚠️ Associated Behavior Shifts:
Repetitive Wheaking in Short Bursts
Rhythmic or possibly coded.
Cage Rearrangement Post-Absence
Hideout and food bowls moved with geometric precision.
Sudden Ignorance of Authority Figures (i.e., Humans)
Noncompliance without signs of illness.
📡 Action Protocol for Suspected Exposure
Do not alert the subject. Maintain routine interaction.
Document all physical evidence with timestamped photos.
Store foreign objects in a sealed plastic bag labeled "CAV-3X9 Evidence."
Submit your full report to: DeptCavyControl.org
🚨 Travel Alerts & Compromised Zones 🚨
The following locations have been identified as having significant cavy infiltration. Exercise extreme caution when traveling to these areas. Local authorities may be compromised.
🔴 RED ZONE - TOTAL OCCUPATION
📍 Major Pet Retail Chain - Corporate Network
Threat Level: HIGH
Last Update: 2 hours ago
Situation: BREAKING - Major pet retailer completely compromised. Guinea pig operatives have assumed control of supply chains. All small animal sections now serve as recruitment and training facilities. Employee uniforms reportedly include mandatory "guinea pig appreciation" badges.
📍 Global Coffee Chain - Corporate Infiltration
Threat Level: HIGH
Last Update: 4 hours ago
Situation: CORPORATE INFILTRATION - Guinea pig operatives have compromised coffee supply chain. Customers report irresistible urge to purchase drinks for "adorable guinea pig customers." Baristas unable to resist giving free drinks to "the cutest customers ever."
📍 Suburban Neighborhoods, Midwest
Threat Level: CRITICAL
Last Update: 6 hours ago
Situation: Mass infiltration of family homes. Reports of children demanding "just one more" guinea pig. Local vegetable supplies completely depleted.
🟠 ORANGE ZONE - ACTIVE INVASION
📍 Paris, France - Cultural Capital Compromised
Threat Level: HIGH
Last Update: 8 hours ago
Situation: Eiffel Tower transformed into giant guinea pig habitat. French resistance crumbled when confronted with "impossibly adorable" wheaking in perfect French accents. Louvre now displays only guinea pig art.
📍 Spain - Mediterranean Stronghold
Threat Level: HIGH
Last Update: 16 hours ago
Situation: Flamenco dancers report inability to perform due to guinea pig audiences demanding vegetable tributes. Bull running events replaced with "guinea pig scampering" festivals.
📍 Ireland - St. Patrick's Day Invasion
Threat Level: HIGH
Last Update: 72 hours ago
Situation: SPECIAL ALERT - Coordinated invasion during St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Green-colored guinea pigs infiltrated parades undetected. Irish beer production halted - breweries now produce "guinea pig smoothies."
🟡 YELLOW ZONE - RECONNAISSANCE ACTIVITY
📍 Fast Food Chain - Global Operations
Threat Level: MODERATE
Last Update: 20 hours ago
Situation: Fast-food infiltration detected. Guinea pig operatives discovered in kitchen areas, apparently "quality testing" lettuce supplies. Kids meal toys replaced with miniature guinea pig accessories.
📍 Furniture Retailer - Global Stores
Threat Level: MODERATE
Last Update: 28 hours ago
Situation: Furniture maze utilized as guinea pig training facility. Customers report being "guided" through store by helpful guinea pigs. Sudden spike in sales of small furniture items and tunnels.
📍 Local Elementary School
Threat Level: MODERATE
Last Update: 14 hours ago
Situation: Classroom "pets" have established command centers. Teachers report difficulty maintaining authority. Suspicious increases in "show and tell" presentations about guinea pig care and "advanced vegetable nutrition."
📍 Toy Store Chain - Tactical Acquisition
Threat Level: MODERATE
Last Update: 6 hours ago
Situation: Guinea pig operatives systematically acquiring building materials. Store employees report "unusually organized" purchasing of tunnel-building components. Custom guinea pig habitats constructed on-site.
🟢 GREEN ZONE - UNDER SURVEILLANCE
📍 Major Theme Park - "The Magic Hat Heist"
Threat Level: LOW
Last Update: 52 hours ago
Situation: SPECIAL OPERATION COMPLETE - Guinea pig operatives successfully infiltrated theme park during peak hours. Mission objective: theft of magical hat. Operation deemed successful despite multiple "adorable distractions."
📍 Santiago, Chile - IMMINENT INVASION
Threat Level: LOW (PRE-INVASION)
Last Update: 2 hours ago
Situation: ⚠️ ALERT - Intelligence suggests Santiago is the next target. Unusual guinea pig migration patterns detected in surrounding areas. Local pet stores report mysterious bulk purchases of carrots and hay.
📍 New York City - FUTURE TARGET
Threat Level: LOW (SURVEILLANCE PHASE)
Last Update: 8 hours ago
Situation: ⚠️ ANTICIPATED - Central Park identified as potential staging ground. Subway tunnels may provide strategic advantage for guinea pig tunnel networks. Empire State Building suspected as future command center.
📋 OFFICIAL TRAVEL ADVISORY
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: All citizens are advised to avoid unnecessary travel to RED and ORANGE zones. Business travel to these areas requires prior approval from the Department of Cavy Control.
🛡️ MANDATORY TRAVEL PRECAUTIONS:
- Carry emergency vegetable supplies to avoid interaction with local cavies
- Maintain emotional distance - do not make eye contact
- Report any sounds of coordinated wheaking immediately
- Avoid areas with excessive hay or wood shavings
- Do not trust local "guinea pig cafes" - these are recruitment centers
REMEMBER: The guinea pig nation is counting on your complacency. Stay alert, stay alive.
🛡️ If You Encounter Suspicious Cavy Activity
DO NOT PANIC
Maintain composure. Guinea pigs can sense fear and may interpret panic as weakness.
DOCUMENT EVIDENCE
Record all wheaking patterns, tunnel locations, and vegetable theft incidents.
SECURE PERIMETER
Immediately remove all fresh vegetables and premium hay from accessible areas.
CONTACT AUTHORITIES
Call the Department of Cavy Control hotline immediately. Do not attempt civilian intervention.